Naming Your Non-Negotiables in Faith Reconstruction

When my parents told me they were officially relocating to Florida full-time, I didn’t blame them. My dad’s stage 4 arthritis responds much better to warmth than Ohio winters. But that didn’t stop me from feeling like I’d just been emotionally abandoned in a Lifetime movie.

Since texting is slow-going for them, we’ve fallen into a rhythm of quick daily phone calls. And somehow, those calls almost always drift toward the same topic: the sermons at the church they now attend.

Spoiler: I twitch during every recap.

Their new church sounds eerily similar to the one I grew up in—saturated in gender roles, purity culture, and Old Testament fire-and-fury theology. The messages rarely leave Paul’s letters, and if the topic isn't legalism, it's probably some variation of it.

Recently, my husband (half-joking) said, “He does know there’s a new Testament, right?”
I laughed way too hard.
But something about that stuck with me.

When the Sermons Trigger More Than Nostalgia

I realized what was bothering me wasn’t just the sermon content — it was how clearly it contrasted with the freedom I’d found in my faith reconstruction.

Reconstruction gave me permission to remove the theological lenses I'd been handed and reread scripture with curiosity instead of fear. I learned to hold nuance, consider context, and treasure story and mystery without the anxiety that I was “getting it wrong.”

The Turning Point: Identifying My Non-Negotiables

In Chapter 7 of Breathing Again, I reflect on how grief, church hurt, and theological disillusionment led me to name the core beliefs I wouldn't compromise on anymore. These are my non-negotiables — the pillars of a faith I could trust, live out, and heal within.

“Once I identified those non-negotiables, I had something to reconstruct from that I knew wasn’t going to collapse on or around me.” (Breathing Again, Chapter 7)

I couldn’t stay in a faith that prioritized doctrine over people, certainty over compassion, or behavior over belonging.

Why You Need to Name Your Own

Here’s the truth: no church, denomination, or community is perfect. And no one can define your faith boundaries but you.

Naming your non-negotiables gives you a filter — not to isolate you, but to protect you from repeating harm. It helps you discern what you’re willing to wrestle with in a spiritual space, and what’s an absolute deal-breaker.

Whether you're deconstructing, reconstructing, or somewhere messy in-between, your healing matters. And your theology should reflect that.

Ask Yourself This

• What parts of your faith bring freedom, not fear?

• Where do you feel safe enough to ask hard questions?

• What values are worth building your life on, even if it means walking away from what's familiar?
  

Want Help Naming Your Non-Negotiables?

If you're ready to lay a solid foundation for your faith reconstruction journey, Chapter 7 of Breathing Again is for you. I walk you through how I named mine — and give you permission to name yours without shame, fear, or the need for approval.

🛒 Grab your copy of Breathing Again
📝 Read Chapter 7 this week
💬 Then tell me in the comments or on Instagram (@kristenneighbarger): What are your non-negotiables?

Let’s rebuild something beautiful—together.