Summer Expectations
For seven years, my life was consumed by sequins, tights, leotards, bobby pins, and hair spray.
From the time my daughter was in 2nd grade until she was in 8th when the pandemic closed the world down, my daughter, Kate, danced competitively.
Just to be clear here–I am not your quintessential dance mom.
I would have been much better suited to be a sports mom, but somehow my daughter found herself in the world of dance.
Ugh.
It was a very busy, time-consuming lifestyle that involved her spending 20+ hours a week at the dance studio throughout the school year, regional competitions in the spring, a week of recitals, and national competition in the summer.
She would have two weeks off at Christmas, a week off for Spring Break, two weeks off after recital, and then a few weeks off after nationals before the new season started.
It was exhausting, all-encompassing, and expensive!
We didn’t have much time for anything extra beyond dance.
Fun-filled summer adventures were never on our agenda because dance filled our agenda.
Now that Kate has chosen not to dance, we have time again, and what I’ve noticed is that there is an incredibly unrealistic push from our culture today to fill all that free time!
Open Pinterest, turn on the tv, get on any social media platform, and you are inevitably inundated with posts, advertisements, articles, pictures, and mom experts who are declaring that since we only have 18 summers with our kids, we have to make them these amazing, adventure-filled, exceptionally full experiences.
I have so many questions here, and I find myself scratching my head and making that “what the heck” face as I see, read, and watch this unattainable, unrealistic, and unhealthy perspective find its way into my living room.
Friends, if you are overwhelmed, exhausted, and confused by this message, I’m here for you to unravel these myths today!!!
Myth #1: We only have 18 summers with our kids…
I’m 44 years old and still spend time with my parents.
In fact, most of my best memories and favorite experiences I’ve had with my parents have happened in my adult life.
That’s true for me because my parents cultivated real relationships with me, and that’s exactly what I’ve attempted to create with Kate for the last 17 years.
I hear too many stories about parents lording over their children and ruling their homes with iron fists. I see too many parents exasperating their children instead of attempting to create a relationship with them. And, I see too many parents passing incredibly unhealthy habits and patterns on to their own children.
My husband, Russ, and I sat in our living room having a discussion about healthy relationships
with an 18-year-old we’ll call “Joe.”
Joe looked at us and said he’s never had a healthy relationship, that his family relationships are all toxic, and that he doesn’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like.
It was heartbreaking.
For some of you, that might have been your experience as a child and adolescent as well.
As if that isn’t enough of a struggle to navigate on your own, when you add a partner and family to that, it can be incredibly difficult to attempt to cultivate healthy relationships and break those terrible dysfunctional cycles.
Creating healthy, lasting relationships with our kids that go well beyond 18 should be our focus, shouldn’t it?
Isn’t that what’s important?
Not, cramming as much stuff into 18 summers as possible?
One thing that has stuck with me as I think about parenting and raising a human being is this verse from Galatians 5:14 (MSG):
For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That's an act of true freedom.
Galations 5:14 (MSG)
It’s not just my neighbors, coworkers, friends, etc…who are “others.” My own kid is one of these “others” too, and the last time I checked, I didn’t see an asterisk here that excludes them from this concept.
So, that means, I am called to love her as I love myself–even when that’s hard, even when it would be easier to snip at her, to be sarcastic with her, to tell her “because I’m your mom, and I said so.”
Nothing good ever comes from those things, though.
Good comes from actively loving her in the way God intended love to look.
I Corinthians 13:3-8 (MSG) tells us what love looks like in action:
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies.
I Corinthians 13:3-8 (MSG)
It’s not always easy to model this kind of love with our kids, is it?
Sometimes, it’s easier to yell, to say “because I said to,” or to lose our temper with our kids instead of talking to them, explaining ourselves, helping them, and listening to them.
The thing is, if we want to raise intelligent, emotionally healthy, successful humans who can think for themselves and have their own healthy relationships–relationships with us that will go beyond 18 summers, we have to be committed to changing the way we see and approach parenting.
We have to be committed to actively loving them in the way I Corinthians shows us to love others.
Myth #2: I should jam as much adventure into this summer as I possibly can
It is no secret that we live in a world of instant gratification.
I see it seeping into all aspects of our lives.
Mine included.
It is so easy to get caught up in instant gratification and our world’s push for more, more, more that we lose sight of the peace that comes with rest and contentment.
It took me years to be able to rest, and I am trying wholeheartedly to instill the importance of rest and contentment into Kate.
I don’t ever want her to feel like she has to be seeking more and doing more in order to be fulfilled.
There are so many examples from scripture that show us the importance of contentment and rest. We see it in I Timothy, Hebrews, II Corinthians, and Philippians–just to name a few.
I fear that when we have this mindset that it is our job to fill our kids’ schedules with as much stuff as possible and to give them as many experiences in one summer as possible, we aren’t teaching them the importance of contentment and rest.
I fear we are doing just the opposite and creating a generation of humans that will never be content, will constantly be seeking more, and won’t understand the importance of rest.
That scares the crap out of me.
Priorities and Meaningful Experiences:
What would happen if we looked at summer as a time to rest and recharge, to refocus our priorities and our kids’ priorities, and to focus on meaningful experiences instead of simply experiences?
That’s the kind of summer I want to help curate for Kate–not some race at breakneck speed to do it all and do it all now.
I want to cultivate meaningful experiences and adventures balanced with purposeful rest and contentment.
If you are struggling this summer with filling your kids’ schedules, with feeling guilty about not being able to do it all, and you’ve forgotten what peace and contentment look like in your family, I hope today marks a change for you.
I hope that you give yourself permission to stop with the chaos and focus on contentment, friend.
You deserve that.
Reflections:
Are you an over-planner?
What causes stress for your family in the summer?
How much of a priority is rest and contentment for your family?
What changes would you like to make for the rest of your summer?