Reclaiming Our Power: Healing from Religious Trauma
The 90s was an interesting decade for the church.
There was this constant push and pull happening between those who wanted to pull the church back to the “traditional” and those who were pushing the church toward being “contemporary.” In my church, that looked like a combination of “choruses” from the overhead projector and hymns from the hymnals in the pews.
Because I was a teenager and still in the throes of being brainwashed, it never occurred to me that I could just leave that church.
It was never an option in my mind to go anywhere else because I had been raised to believe that the type of church I attended was the only church that “got it right,” and the reality was that every other church like mine was in a similar state or even further along the “traditional” lines.
If you were in church during this time, you probably remember the strife.
For our church, it went on for years, and right when we thought things were starting to progress, an entire regimen came out of the woodwork with a vengeance–determined to return the church to its rightful state.
It was awful.
My dad was on leadership at that time. There were two of them who wanted to move the church forward instead of backward.
I was in my early 20s when my dad got voted out of church leadership.
It was a strange place for us to be.
I had never been a church nomad before–we had always had a church home.
At the time, it seemed terrible.
At the time, it seemed like a huge betrayal.
At the time, it seemed like the end.
In some ways, it was all of those things, but, in other ways, it was the beginning of something new. It was an opportunity for those leaders to reclaim their agency separate from the dictates of high-control religion (read–cult).
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Agency /Power Over Our Lives
We talk often about agency in our house because therapy! If you aren’t familiar with the concept of agency, think of it as the control we have over our own lives, our faith in our ability to make our own decisions, and our ability to handle a wide range of situations.
It’s our agency over our own lives that helps keep us psychologically stable as well as flexible with the world around us.
It’s like our own superpower.
Too often, the church, especially fundamentalist churches and high-control religious communities, squelch our agency. They take away our power, and they hinder our ability to believe that we can, in fact, think for ourselves and have power over our own lives.
After all, the crux of “high-control religion” is the control.
Consequently, coloring outside of the lines, thinking outside of the box, exercising autonomy, and progressive behavior are squashed quickly and under the umbrella of “God-given authority” or “in the name of Jesus.”
This happens in so many ways, but some of them might look like:
Removing you from your position within the church because of your influence and their jealousy
Public condemnation/confession and public repentance to manipulate you and give them control
Putting the “prodigal” on the very public prayer list/prayer chain to turn others against you
Limiting education beyond that of the faith community so you rely on them instead of God
Making you the subject of a sermon
Weaponizing scripture against you
Sending “mentors” or “elders” to speak to you to push their theology or ideas
Organizing cliques to attack you and hate you or disfellowship you
Brainwashing/Indoctrination
Teaching you not to trust yourself to manipulate you
Questioning your life choices and creating conflict in your relationships
Oftentimes, high-control religion utilizes these and other techniques to keep us from having agency over our own lives They facilitate a constant reliance on the church and the church leadership as a means of control. In doing that, they keep us from practicing intentionality, using forethought, believing we can self-monitor and self-regulate, and convincing us we can’t practice self-reflection.
We can’t have agency over our lives if we can’t utilize these techniques.
I learned the hard way that the first step toward reclaiming agency in our lives is to separate from the people and/or institution that has stolen it.
That might be one of the hardest concepts for us to wrap our heads around because it can be absolutely counter to everything we’ve been taught in some of our faith communities, and I understand that completely
It was exceptionally hard for me as well.
I would love to take a few minutes to, hopefully, allow you to maybe, just maybe, look at these dangerous folks and dangerous churches a little differently.
I spent several months studying the fruit of the Spirit, and while I’m still not an expert on this, there are several key points Paul makes throughout this section of his letter to the Galatians:
One little lie can permeate our entire belief system (Galatians 5:9)
Paul was being persecuted by the church when he was writing this letter. (Galatians 5:11)
Paul was desperate to rid the legalistic influence from the church (Galatians 5:12)
Paul reinforces the commandment to love our neighbors as ourselves (Galatians 5:14)
Selfishness and Life in the Spirit are not compatible (Galatians 5:17)
The behavior of a life lived for self is obvious: Sexual immorality, lustful thoughts, pornography, chasing after things instead of God, manipulating others, hatred of those who get in your way, senseless arguments, resentment when others are favored, temper tantrums, angry quarrels, only thinking of yourself, being in love with your own opinions, being envious of the blessings of others, murder, uncontrolled addictions, wild parties, and all other similar behavior (Galatians 5:19-21)
The behavior of a life lived in the Spirit is also obvious: “But the fruit produced by the Holy Spirit within you is divine love in all its varied expressions:
Joy that overflows,
Peace that subdues,
patience that endures,
kindness in action,
a life full of virtue,
faith that prevails,
gentleness of heart, and
strength of spirit.
Never set the law above these qualities, for they are meant to be limitless” (Galatians 5:22-23)
Let’s just take a step back so we can see the big picture here. Paul was being persecuted by religious people (aka: specific groups in specific churches). His message to the church in Galatia was to beware of legalism and lies because it only takes a tiny lie to destroy everything completely. Maybe you’ve heard the NIV–a little yeast works its way through the whole batch. And, his overarching message is to love other people and to look for what kind of fruit is being produced.
I’ve noticed that we’re pretty good at applying this to individuals, but we tend to look the other way when this is happening in the church as an institution.
Paul calls out by name the following actions that are representative of a life lived for self:
Chasing after things instead of God
Manipulating others
Hatred of those who get in your way
Senseless arguments
Resentment when others are favored
Temper tantrums
Angry quarrels
Only thinking of yourself
Being in love with your own opinions
Being envious of the blessings of others
I’d love it if you pause right now and take a few minutes to consider these things.
Where are the places you see these in your own life?
Who are the people you are close to that demonstrate these?
Are these the fruits you are seeing in your church?
If a church, a friend, a pastor, or a partner looks more like that than it does this: “divine love in all its varied expressions: joy that overflows, peace that subdues patience that endures kindness in action, a life full of virtue, faith that prevails gentleness of heart, an strength of spirit,” that is a giant red flag.
When we look at the ways faith communities tend to take away our power over ourselves, to limit the ways in which we think for ourselves, self-regulate, and solve our problems, they often use some or all of these techniques, and they do so in a way that gets other people involved and pits them against us. If we compare the first list of the ways the church can take away our agency and this list, there are startling similarities.
This is not the church God imagined, friends.
So, if you find yourself in this type of environment, I pray you can find a way out, and find a different place to be the church–even if it’s just with two or three other people.
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Agency, Power, and Cycle-Breakers
For many of us, reclaiming agency over ourselves and our lives means having to break cycles that have been prevalent in our faith communities, our families, and our friend groups for generations.
That’s what it meant for my dad when he got voted out of leadership; he just wasn’t in a position to see it that way at that time. It gave him the freedom to be able to see the world and the church through a different lens, to reflect for himself, and to make decisions based on what God was leading him to do instead of what a church was telling him to do.
I sometimes wonder if that wouldn’t have happened, where would I be now? Would I have ever arrived at a place that allowed me to deconstruct and reconstruct, or would I still be stuck in a crappy, emotionally damaging marriage, and the toxic religious environment I grew up in?
It makes me shudder to think about it.
I’m so grateful for the men and women who broke those cycles in my world–whether it was forced on them or chosen.
Friend, if you find yourself in a place that is shackling your agency, I pray that God begins the work of breaking you free today. Whether those shackles are from a faith community, a partner, a job, or something else entirely, it’s my prayer that you recognize the difference between the fruit of the spirit and the fruit of the self and take the necessary steps to both live life in the Spirit and align yourselves with those individuals and institutions who do as well.
It’s never too late to reclaim your agency, and you’re never too old to remove yourself from a church whose fruit does not come from the Spirit.
Let today be the day the cycle is broken in your life and the lives of your loved ones.
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Reflections:
Who are the people/institutions who limit your agency?
What can you do to take your control back or reclaim power over your own life?
