Intentional Choices: Home for the Holidays
I didn’t go to the Christmas Brunch.
While there’s part of me that feels guilty about it, there’s the other 90% of me that feels a little free.
See, I’m not a big fan of things like pajama parties, teas, or exchanging Christmas socks, and I hate small talk. If you want to sit down at the table and tell me your life story, discuss your traumas, or solve some world crisis, I’ll be there for it every single time, but small talk just brings out all the awkward in me.
And, the whole sock exchange situation causes me anxiety just thinking about it. I understand the cute premise where everyone brings a new pair of adorable Christmas socks and then you play some game where you get to steal someone else’s Christmas socks, and on and on it goes.
But, what if I take someone’s Christmas socks and they really wanted those particular pair of Christmas socks and then they never come back again?
Or, what if someone thinks we’re ganging up on them and taking all the good Christmas socks and leaving the people outside of the clique all the terribly ugly Christmas socks?
And, what if the Christmas socks I thought were supposed to be a gag gift weren’t a gag gift at all?
So, do you know what I had to say about the cutesy Christmas Brunch/sock exchange this year? Not today, Satan!
Guess what?
The world didn’t end.
The sky didn’t fall.
The Christmas Brunch went on just fine without my presence.
That’s the lesson I’m learning about intentional choices this holiday season–the world will, in fact, go on if I don’t attend every event, cook every meal, and plan every get-together. The sky will not fall if I choose to set a boundary or have to choose one thing over another.
I know there are some of you are twitching right now as you read this.
Some of you might even be thinking I’m being pretty selfish and not being a team player as you read through this.
That’s okay, too.
I understand those feelings as well because I had them often in the past when I was at the height of my people-pleasing, perfectionism, and codependency. I’m recovering from all of those things, though, and now, as a healthy adult, I understand the reality that Christmas Brunches just aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s okay.
It has taken me years to get to this place. For the majority of my life, I don’t think I even really knew what my cup of tea was because I was too busy making sure I drank out of every cup of tea. I didn’t understand that God created me with choice, and I have the agency over my own life to make those choices–including not going to a Christmas Brunch–regardless of what others think.
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Intentional Choices
Last week, I spent some time talking about Mary and Martha and how we have to be intentional with our time and traditions so we don’t miss out on the opportunity to sit at Jesus’s feet. I want to revisit Mary and Martha today–but a different story about their relationship with Jesus.
Most of us have probably heard the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead, but an important part of that story is the fact that Mary and Martha are Lazarus’s sisters–the same Mary who sat at Jesus’s feet and the same Martha who was busy trying to make dinner for them and NOT sitting at Jesus’s feet.
John sets the scene for us in chapter 11 of his gospel:
In the village of Bethany there was a man named Lazarus, and his sisters, Mary and Martha. Mary was the one who would anoint Jesus’ feet with costly perfume and dry his feet with her long hair. One day Lazarus became very sick to the point of death. So his sisters sent a message to Jesus, “Lord, our brother Lazarus, the one you love, is very sick. Please come!”
When he heard this, he said, “This sickness will not end in death for Lazarus, but will bring glory and praise to God. This will reveal the greatness of the Son of God by what takes place.”
Now even though Jesus loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, he remained where he was for two more days. Finally, on the third day, he said to his disciples, “Come. It’s time to go to Bethany.”
John 11:1-7 TPT
There’s so much good stuff in this story! We know Mary, Martha, and Lazarus were friends of Jesus–so much so that the sisters referred to their brother as the one Jesus loved. We also know that Mary and Martha had faith in Jesus because they immediately sent word to him when Lazarus fell ill and asked him to please come to them.
What’s interesting here is Jesus’s response.
Jesus loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus.
They were clearly close friends.
Instead of leaving immediately to go to his friends, Jesus stayed where he was for two more days. It wasn’t until the third day that Jesus left for Bethany–a town that was a mere two miles away. Did you catch that? He was only two miles away? He could have been there in less than an hour (walking very slowly), but he waited until the third day to go to them.
I have questions.
I know that Jesus says that Lazarus won’t die, that this will bring glory and honor to God, and will show the greatness of the Son of God.
I know that.
And, I know the end of the story.
But, still.
I can’t imagine the emotions Mary and Martha had to be feeling–the hurt, the heartache, the hopelessness.
John explains what happens when Jesus goes to Bethany days later:
Now when they arrived at Bethany, which was only about two miles from Jerusalem, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. Many friends of Mary and Martha had come from the region to console them over the loss of their brother. And when Martha heard that Jesus was approaching the village, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed in the house.
Martha said to Jesus, “My Lord, if only you had come sooner, my brother wouldn’t have died. But I know that if you were to ask God for anything, he would do it for you.”
John 11:18-22 TPT
Lazarus had been in the tomb for four days by the time Jesus got there and found Mary and Martha surrounded by friends and loved ones comforting them.
Four days.
Martha knew Jesus had the power to save her brother, and I can’t help but wonder what her tone was when she looked at her friend–whom she loved and had loved her brother–and said those words. I wonder if there was hurt in them or if there was only a fleeting glimmer of hope.
And then, when her friends called Mary to Jesus’s side:
When Mary finally found Jesus outside the village, she fell at his feet in tears and said, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died.”
When Jesus looked at Mary and saw her weeping at his feet, and all her friends who were with her grieving, he shuddered with emotion and was deeply moved with tenderness and compassion. He said to them, “Where did you bury him?”
John 11:32-34 TPT
The grief in Mary’s words is almost palpable.
First, the busy planner Martha confronts her friend, Jesus, and then her little sister, the compassionate listener, cries out to Christ.
And, it was too much for him.
Jesus was overcome with emotion for his friends whom he loved, and he wept with them.
He wept even though he knew the outcome–after he made the intentional choice to stay away for three days even though he was only two miles away.
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Intentional Empathy/Compassion without Overexplaining
I’m sure Mary and Martha didn’t understand why Jesus stayed away as they grieved during those days Lazarus was dead and in the tomb. I’m sure they didn’t know how the story would end.
We’ve all been the Mary and the Martha in the story before, haven’t we? I know I have.
Something happened, and we didn’t understand the choice our friend, family, or loved one made.
The reality, though, is that most of us have probably been the Jesus in the story, though, too–we’ve made an intentional choice not everyone has understood.
You know what Jesus doesn’t do here? He sees his friends and has empathy and compassion, but he doesn’t apologize for his choices. He shows them unconditional love and weeps with them, but he sticks to his guns because he knows he made the right choice–even though it was a choice Mary and Martha didn’t understand at the time.
The odds are probably pretty high that you have some choices to make regarding the holidays this year, and some of those choices might not be ones everyone else is going to understand–even though you know what the best choice is to make.
I would encourage you to remember the example of Jesus from this scene. Remember the compassion he showed his loved ones, but also remember how he made an intentional choice to do what was right even though he knew not everyone would understand it at the time.
I’m sure the human side of Christ who loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus wanted to drop everything and run to them to save them the heartache they were sure to endure over the next three days, but Jesus didn’t do that. He made the intentional choice to wait, knowing it was the right choice to make in this difficult situation.
Friends, I’m sure some of you are staring down situations where you have the opportunity to run to an event, a family gathering, or a church event and make everyone else happy even though you know it will be daunting emotionally for you, toxic and PTSD-inducing, or detrimental to yours and your family’s mental states. I pray that you have the strength to make the intentional choice that is best for you and not just the one that seems better for everyone else.
You matter, and your intentional choices matter.
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Reflections:
What are some commitments you’ve made that you know you shouldn’t have made?
What changes do you need to make to your holiday schedule for next year?
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