The Healing Season: Moving Beyond Brokenness
I have this deal with myself–when I wake up in the middle of the night, I won’t let any thoughts actually formulate completely in my brain. For some reason, my mind tends to think the middle of the night is the best time to assess and attempt to solve all the problems of the world.
Except that no problems actually ever get solved.
Instead, before I know it, the sun creeps in my windows, and I’ve unraveled enough thought threads to undo an entire quilt.
When I was going through my divorce, I struggled with these sleepless nights constantly. There was so much chaos and uncertainty that my mind seemed to believe it needed to explore every nook and cranny throughout the nighttime hours.
It wasn’t helpful.
At all!
Eventually, I had enough!. When I would wake up in the middle of the night and my mind would begin to grasp a thread to unravel, I would sit up in bed and audibly tell Satan to get out of my bedroom.
Seriously.
I’m sure I would have appeared completely crazy if there was anyone within earshot, but my dog, Lucy, never seemed to mind too much.
Satan: The Father of Lies
It took me a long time to remember these attacks from Satan were nothing new. In Matthew 4:10, when Jesus is harassed by Satan, Jesus tells Satan to leave him alone, to get away from him.
He wasn’t messing around.
He wasn’t about to leave himself open to Satan’s attacks.
Jesus was in the literal wilderness.
He was tired and hungry from fasting.
He was physically alone–separated from everyone who knew and loved him.
I think we can safely say Jesus was going through it during this interaction with Satan.
I’m guessing we’ve all been there too–going through it ourselves!
The reality is that we’re all going to have these seasons of brokenness.
It might just be a crack.
Or, it could even be a piece of you that is broken and lost.
Maybe, it’s even a break so severe that you are shattered into pieces.
How do we move from brokenness to healing?
Regardless of the type of break, what we really need is healing.
We’re really good at taking care of the physical breaks of our bodies, but, man, as a whole, I think we really struggle to take care of our mental and emotional brokenness.
In Bittersweet, Shauna Niequest talks about floating. This is one of my favorite stories, and I have clung to it through so many chaotic seasons. She tells the story of being in the waves of Lake Michigan and feeling like she needed to fight to get back to shore. It wasn’t until she realized she just needed to float and let the waves take her that she was able to relax and actually plant her feet on solid ground.
All I’ve wanted during chaos was to be able to put my feet back on solid ground.
The waves are always too much though.
Fighting those waves does nothing except make me lose strength and focus on the fight, but floating through the chaos allows me to breathe and let God fight my battles and float me to solid ground.
I have to think these are the first steps to healing:
Recognizing the waves.
Recognizing our desire for solid ground again.
Recognizing the fight is not helping us.
Floating through the brokenness and into healing.
When I was going through my divorce and would wake up during those nights, my mind would follow every rabbit hole it could find, every what if, every scenario.
The reality, though, was that almost all of those things were completely out of my control. I had no control over what my ex was doing, what money he was spending, who he was sleeping with, how he was spending his time, what he was saying to our friends, what he was telling our daughter.
I had no control over the waves.
None of them.
The Process of Healing
Once I recognized that most of the things I was stressing over were out of my control, that Satan was the creator of my chaos and anxiety, and that I needed to stop fighting the waves of chaos and uncertainty, healing began.
Healing is a funny thing.
It’s a process that looks different for everyone.
There’s no set amount of time for healing.
There’s no prescription for the process of healing–but wouldn’t it be nice if there was?
There will be moments of progress and moments of regress.
But, here’s what I can tell you about healing:
It’s freeing.
I remember the moment when I realized I wasn’t floating anymore.
I was sitting in my living room working on something, and I just stopped, looked around, and realized my feet were on solid ground. I immediately texted one of my best friends and pastor: “I’m not floating anymore! My feet are on solid ground again.”
For me, it took three years, countless hours of counseling, endless hours with my people, pages and pages of journaled prayers, real and honest conversations with those closest to me, exhaustive time with God, daily rebuking of Satan, a deconstruction and reconstruction of my entire belief system, and–quite frankly–time.
That was my process, but your process might look different.
Regardless of your process, here are the things I know to be true for all of us:
Satan is the father of lies, and his goal is to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10)
Jesus came to give each of us life, full life. (John 10:10)
God wants to raise you up, heal you, and forgive you. (James 5:14-15)
God will deliver you out of your afflictions. (Psalm 34:18)
God sees you. He will heal you. He will reward you with comfort. (Isaiah 57:18-19)
Healing and Wholeness
It was a windy day. I had a few hours to myself before I needed to pick my fiance up at the airport. Despite the black sky and imminent storm, I found myself walking along the shoreline watching the massive waves crash against the sand, appreciating the fact that my feet were planted firmly on solid ground.
Brokenness can make us forget who we are, but healing has a funny way of reminding us of who we really are.
Those years I spent in the wilderness of chaos and trauma had broken me, but the three years I spent floating and working through the process of healing gave me pause on that beach.
I stopped as the wind whipped through my hair and took a selfie to remember that moment–another moment to remind me I was healed, who I was again, and that the trauma and the chaos I had lived with for so many years were in the past.
God had fulfilled his promise to me.
Satan had lost.
I don’t know where you are on your journey today, but I pray that you hold on to the hope and the promises that God has given you. I pray that you remember that Satan is the father of lies and his voice is loud. I pray that you can float through the brokenness to solid ground and work through your process of healing in your time.
Healing is no joke, and it isn’t something you have to do alone. There are fantastic groups and counselors out there who can walk with you through this journey. If you feel alone and hopeless, let me be the first to encourage you to seek help from a professional. You won’t regret it.
Reflections for your journal (or comment)
What waves are you fighting right now?
What would it look like for you to float during this time?
How can you begin the process of moving into a season of healing?
What is one promise of God you need to cling to during this time?
Scriptures:
John 10:10
James 5:14-15
