Father's Day for the Divorced Mom
Last year for Mother’s Day, my daughter, Kate found these adorable and cheeky Avocado-themed dish towels for me and a giant coffee mug declaring I’m the World’s Greatest Mom. This year, she cross-stiched a kitchen towel for me (she’s an old soul in a teenage body) and bought me some Lily’s chocolate bars (because Keto!).
These gifts stick in my mind because she picked them out, she bought them, and she was so proud of them.
They were special because her biological father and I have not been together for five years, and that meant there was no dad helping her pick out gifts or paying for those gifts for several years. I learned during those first couple of years that Mother’s Day can feel very different when you’re a divorced/single mom.
Father’s Day is almost here, and I want to take a few minutes to have a heart-to-heart with my divorced friends with kids.
I see you.
When you’re divorced with children (of any age), holidays can absolutely bring about scheduling nightmares–even when you have a clearly written parenting agreement, a myriad of emotions, and tremendous unrest.
While I wish I could fix all those things for you, I know I can’t.
However, after living that life for a few years and attempting to be healthy and healed, I’m going to attempt today to help you approach these holidays differently and maybe give you some peace.
Grace–even when they don’t deserve it.
I’m going to be completely honest with you right now–The last thing I want to do on Father’s Day is help my daughter pick out a gift for my ex-husband.
It makes me righteously angry for more reasons than I can explain here.
For those first couple of years after we were divorced and before Kate had a job, it was only the grace of God that allowed me to help her pick out gifts for holidays, especially when she didn’t really want to do it either.
But, grace, right?
Even though it makes me physically nauseous to have to spend money on my ex-husband, here are the things I know to be true about the character God would like me to attempt to cultivate:
But the fruit produced by the Holy Spirit within you is divine love in all its varied expressions: joy that overflows, peace that subdues, patience that endures, kindness in action, a life full of virtue, faith that prevails, gentleness of heart, and strength of spirit. (Galatians 5:22 TPT)
Be merciful as you endeavor to understand others, and be compassionate, showing kindness toward all. Be gentle and humble, unoffendable in your patience with others. Tolerate the weaknesses of those in the family of faith, forgiving one another in the same way you have been graciously forgiven by Jesus Christ. If you find fault with someone, release this same gift of forgiveness to them. For love is supreme and must flow through each of these virtues. Love becomes the mark of true maturity. Let your heart be always guided by the peace of the Anointed One, who called you to peace as part of his one body. And always be thankful. (Colossians 3:12-15 TPT)
Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. (I Corinthians 13:4-7 TPT)
I have to remind myself of these things often when it comes to dealing with my ex-husband, and I’m sure many of you are in the same boat.
At the end of the day, after I rage and vent, I always come to the same conclusion: The only thing I can control in this situation is me, and I don’t want to live in anger, bitterness, and rage.
I have to make the choice to offer grace in this situation and to be an example of love for my daughter.
That’s what’s important here.
This isn’t about me at all.
This isn't about you at all.
This is about our kids and the example we are setting for our kids of grace, mercy, and love.
Grace, not Acceptance
Kate has a job now and is old enough to buy her own presents for her dad. It’s always interesting to sit back now and watch how it all unfolds. I remind her of the upcoming holidays, but I leave it to her to pick out her own gifts.
She has a theme.
Every gift she’s purchased for her dad in the last two years has some reference to her awesomeness:
Socks that say “my awesome daughter bought these”
A mug with a similar message
A tshirt about how he’s the dad of an amazing daughter
When she was younger and picking out gifts, I would encourage her to find things a little less self-centered, but as she’s matured and her perception has widened, these are the gifts she chooses on her own.
There are so many reasons why.
She has arrived at those reasons on her own.
And, that’s important here.
It was my job to teach her grace and love, but those things look different than acceptance.
Friends, this is probably the biggest challenge you will face as a divorced parent.
The odds are high that your ex is going to behave in a way that you do not approve of, and sometimes, unfortunately, that behavior will hurt, offend, shame, etc your children.
Our job is to help them process those feelings.
Our job is to help them identify why they feel those feelings.
Our job is to help them cultivate the words to communicate those feelings.
It is NOT our job to:
Punish our exes
Degrade our exes to our children
Accept these actions as appropriate
Teach our kids to accept these actions as appropriate
When you are constantly dealing with these types of situations, it can make holidays even more difficult. Your kids might be hurt and angry with their other parent, and you’re probably hurt and angry with them as well.
It’s important to understand that you can help your kids get a gift for that other parent and to help them show that other parent a little grace without accepting or excusing their bad behavior.
If you have been doing this for a while, then you know that this is a huge challenge and requires you to feel like you are constantly performing a balancing act–a balancing act where you are choosing health and healing, you are sticking to your boundaries, and you are still teaching your kids love and grace alongside health and boundaries.
The exception to this would be where abuse is concerned. If you or your children are dealing with an abusive situation, you need to get help immediately. The best way you can show your kids grace and love is to get yourself and them out of that situation.
This too shall pass
I know this sucks.
I know it feels like it’s never going to end.
It will, though.
This too shall pass.
For those of you struggling with an ex this Father’s Day, I pray you find some peace and rest for yourself. I pray you remember that the only thing you can control during these times (and always) is yourself. And, I pray that through all the trials, tribulations, and storms, that you continue to be the person God is cultivating you to be.
Reflections:
Do you have any struggles when it comes to Father’s Day?
If you aren’t divorced, who do you know that is that could use some encouragement this Father’s Day?
What can you do for yourself or your divorced friends to encourage them this Father’s Day?
